look, i'm being deep

Well, it turns out our harddrive is fried. This means, long story short, that we will either need to send our Mac to the States and have them send it back to us with a new harddrive, or we will need to go to an Apple store and have them replace it right then and there while we wait. The first option is iffy because of the iffy mail system here - it’s one thing to wait three months for ziploc bags; it’s quite another to wait that long for a very expensive piece of equipment you use daily. And for it to quite possibly not arrive at all. The problem with the second option is that, well, there’s no Apple store here. Or anywhere else in the country.

Fortunately - very fortunately - we have AppleCare, which is basically insurance on our computer. This won’t cost us a dime. Praise God for that. We honestly don’t know what we’re going to do right now, because we might have other things coming up this summer that would come into play as well. But we need to take a vacation soon, so one of our top options right now is just to deliberately go somewhere where there happens to be an Apple store. They’re all over Europe and some parts of Asia. Either way, that won’t happen for at least a month, possibly longer.

I’ve been doing a lot of talking to God about this the past 24 hours. I know it sounds so silly to be devastated over a piece of equipment, and I am very tangibly reminded how futile it really is to be so dependent on a man-made machine. But dependent we are. It is not only how we check e-mail and the internet, but also how we make stateside calls, listen to the only sermons we hear, play our music, watch certain movies, maintain our huge address database, and design and send our newsletters. With the internet alone, I keep up with friends, order necessary things found only in the States, kinda stay in the loop with news, and keep up with our support budget. I had a list of girlfriends I was going to call this week, and now I can’t. In short, I feel like one of my arms has been cut off. And I feel like it’s happened in the “middle of nowhere,” in my own personal desert.

God is good. God is good. God is good. That has been my mantra, because from a human standpoint, this could not have happened at a worse time. To be honest, things are very, very hard these days, and this will only make them harder. I’m very much reminded these days that the only things that will last are the Word of God and the souls of men. It’s a good thing to learn, but quite honestly, it’s painful and hard. Pray for us, when you think of it.

There really are layers upon layers of things going on right now, and I really can’t share them on this blog. The blessing is that I am learning so much what it means to delight in God, and to focus on being with Him and not doing things for Him. It’s so easy for us humans to get worked up into an identity of what we do being who we are. If God calls us back to the States sooner than we could have imagined, His will is perfect, and we can rest in being His children. Quite frankly, I’ve realized how much I’ve depended for years on my identity as One Who Is Called Overseas, and I’m very, very, very tired of it. I just want to be with Him. That’s all. Just be where He wants me to be, and to know who I really am. And if He does cause us to stay here longer than we imagine, it is only by His grace.

This is the part where I get really cheesy because I am going to quote Amy Grant. If you grew up in a Christian house in the 80s, then you almost certainly had Amy Grant records. I did. I promise you I’ve moved on musically, but there is one old song of hers that has resonated with me lately. It’s a short one, and it’s not one of her most famous. I could write these lyrics today, and every word would be true to my life:

ALL I EVER HAVE TO BE

When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.

But Im still hurting,
Wondering if I’ll ever be
The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me
That youve made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are…

And all I ever have to be
Is what you’ve made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.

And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what youve made me.

To sum up, God’s grace has allowed us to still have this slow, beater iBook where we can check e-mail and the internet. It’s very, very slow, it can’t find our wireless connection (so I’m sitting smooshed up against our media cabinet), and it’s really not very reliable. But we’re not totally disconnected from the world. You can write e-mails and comment on the blog, and I will be able to see them.

And I will most definitely let you know when Skype and such are up and running again.

I’m back.  The conference was wonderful and encouraging, but I came home with a whole slew of wisdom I learned just by getting out of my surroundings for a few days.  There’s something about being in a city of more than 15 million people to give you some anonymity and solitude, which is a great formula for thinking.  But there’s also something great about staying with old friends, laughing a lot with new ones, and generally being around other women that provide a good dose of sanity to get you through the next little bit.  All in all, I feel very refreshed, and I’m so glad I was able to go.

It was a bit strange to fly by myself, but God ironically seated me next to a 2.5 year-old with her mama holding her 4-month-old sister on the other side.  The toddler was actually very well-behaved, but I did get a few kicks in the shin, and several times she leaned right over me to look out the window.  I guess she wanted me to feel at home.

I’ll probably blog my thoughts from the conference in a few days, but to summarize what I learned just from being away, it’s probably best just to type out what I wrote in my journal on the return flight:

• Right now is just a season of our life.  I don’t need to feel like this is where we’ll be living and what we’ll be doing forever.
• Bloom where I’m planted.  (This maxim keeps being reiterated to me from a variety of sources..)
• Take life only one day at a time - that is only the amount of strength God has graced me with.
• When things are difficult, make a list of the things I’m thankful for.  (Good advice from a woman who’s lived here several years)
• Really spend regular time with the Father, and be attuned to the Holy Spirit.  Focus only on what He has for our family.  Don’t feel guilty about not doing anything else.
• My primary role in life right now is still to be a great wife and mother.  Even here.  It’s a great thing to focus on doing that well.
• My secondary role in life right now is to learn the language.  Other roles will come our way down the road, but for now, language is my focus.
• I have relationship needs, and I shouldn’t deny them to the detriment of my health.  I need to make it a priority to have date nights, time with other women, and family time with other families.

That last one is a big one for me.  I felt so filled and encouraged from my time with women that it was a good reminder how much I want need it, and to act as though it’s just a nice little spice of life is just asking for my batteries to completely drain way too quickly.  It’s simply how God made me.  So I’m praying for clarity as we schedule our time, that we will find babysitters, and that God would provide a kindred spirit for me.

How was your weekend?

Lately I have been hit hard with a case of Culture Stress.  Except I’m only calling it Culture Stress because I don’t know what else to call it.  So I’m thinking that’s it.  The thing is, nothing specifically cultural is stressing me out.  It’s more just being here.  Here being not the U.S.

We’re going into our 9th week of life here, and except for needing to hang this picture here, and needing to organize this area there, we’re done with house set-up.  And I think it’s made me feel… kinda strange.  Like I’m floating.  See, for several years now we’ve been in Preparation Mode.  Everything about us as a family - where we lived, how we spent our time, what we bought - more or less had to do with getting ready to move overseas.  It drives you nuts, you long for the day when you can throw away boxes, and you start to wonder how regular people live life with their two cars and mortgage payments and yard work.  But in another way, it gets comfortable.  You know this is you, and it starts to define you.  You’re the people who are heading overseas, so you’re not buying a house.  You’re the ones who are working temporary jobs so you can have the time to prepare in the evenings for future overseas work.  You hate it, but you know it.

And now…  This is it.  This is what we’ve been working towards for SO LONG, and it’s finally here.   And it’s like - hmm.  Well.  So now I just live here?  Okay.  Interesting.  I mean, we’re in the language learning stage, and in the beginnings of it, too, so we definitely have that goal.  But even that is for…  living.  To talk.  To not be moronic toddlers in a sea of adults.  The boundaries of language learning are fuzzy and the goals are lifelong, so it doesn’t quite feel like a checklist or a specific goal.  I mean, we can easily say that quality language learning takes 10 full years.  And there’s a good chunk of me that seriously wonders if we will even be here in 10 years.  It’s not for me to know, but it’s out there, this wondering if we’ll ever be in a place were we won’t have to think about language any more.  It’s overwhelming.

And the thing is, language learning is just one tiny bit of everything I’m feeling, and I’m afraid if I pour out everything in my heart here, you’ll be reaching for your Prozac.  For those of you that will be genuinely worried after reading this, please know that all this is totally normal, that pretty much everyone goes through it, that I’ll go through it again down the road, and that there are many, many layers to all this that is just too complicated to share in a blog post.  In the big scheme of things, I’ll be fine.  Culture stress is a very real and normal thing, and it’s all part of the process of living cross-culturally.

But right now, it is indeed very real, and it makes the simplest of things quite hard.  I’ve been reminded to focus on a day at a time, to receive the grace I’ve been given and pour it out entirely for the 24 hours in front of me.  So that’s what I’ve been doing.  Making breakfast and changing diapers and memorizing verbs.  And trusting that the good Lord has all the other days in His hands, because He says He does.

There are two ways to get enough - one is accumulate more and more.  The other is to desire less.  - G.K. Chesterton