The post where I start with a computer update, then ramble into my deep thoughts about the status of our life, and end by quoting an Amy Grant song
Well, it turns out our harddrive is fried. This means, long story short, that we will either need to send our Mac to the States and have them send it back to us with a new harddrive, or we will need to go to an Apple store and have them replace it right then and there while we wait. The first option is iffy because of the iffy mail system here – it’s one thing to wait three months for ziploc bags; it’s quite another to wait that long for a very expensive piece of equipment you use daily. And for it to quite possibly not arrive at all. The problem with the second option is that, well, there’s no Apple store here. Or anywhere else in the country.
Fortunately – very fortunately – we have AppleCare, which is basically insurance on our computer. This won’t cost us a dime. Praise God for that. We honestly don’t know what we’re going to do right now, because we might have other things coming up this summer that would come into play as well. But we need to take a vacation soon, so one of our top options right now is just to deliberately go somewhere where there happens to be an Apple store. They’re all over Europe and some parts of Asia. Either way, that won’t happen for at least a month, possibly longer.
I’ve been doing a lot of talking to God about this the past 24 hours. I know it sounds so silly to be devastated over a piece of equipment, and I am very tangibly reminded how futile it really is to be so dependent on a man-made machine. But dependent we are. It is not only how we check e-mail and the internet, but also how we make stateside calls, listen to the only sermons we hear, play our music, watch certain movies, maintain our huge address database, and design and send our newsletters. With the internet alone, I keep up with friends, order necessary things found only in the States, kinda stay in the loop with news, and keep up with our support budget. I had a list of girlfriends I was going to call this week, and now I can’t. In short, I feel like one of my arms has been cut off. And I feel like it’s happened in the “middle of nowhere,” in my own personal desert.
God is good. God is good. God is good. That has been my mantra, because from a human standpoint, this could not have happened at a worse time. To be honest, things are very, very hard these days, and this will only make them harder. I’m very much reminded these days that the only things that will last are the Word of God and the souls of men. It’s a good thing to learn, but quite honestly, it’s painful and hard. Pray for us, when you think of it.
There really are layers upon layers of things going on right now, and I really can’t share them on this blog. The blessing is that I am learning so much what it means to delight in God, and to focus on being with Him and not doing things for Him. It’s so easy for us humans to get worked up into an identity of what we do being who we are. If God calls us back to the States sooner than we could have imagined, His will is perfect, and we can rest in being His children. Quite frankly, I’ve realized how much I’ve depended for years on my identity as One Who Is Called Overseas, and I’m very, very, very tired of it. I just want to be with Him. That’s all. Just be where He wants me to be, and to know who I really am. And if He does cause us to stay here longer than we imagine, it is only by His grace.
This is the part where I get really cheesy because I am going to quote Amy Grant. If you grew up in a Christian house in the 80s, then you almost certainly had Amy Grant records. I did. I promise you I’ve moved on musically, but there is one old song of hers that has resonated with me lately. It’s a short one, and it’s not one of her most famous. I could write these lyrics today, and every word would be true to my life:
ALL I EVER HAVE TO BE
When the weight of all my dreams
Is resting heavy on my head,
And the thoughtful words of health and hope
Have all been nicely said.
But Im still hurting,
Wondering if I’ll ever be
The one I think I am.
I think I am.
Then you gently re-remind me
That youve made me from the first,
And the more I try to be the best
The more I get the worst.
And I realize the good in me,
Is only there because of who you are.
Who you are…
And all I ever have to be
Is what you’ve made me.
Any more or less would be a step
Out of your plan.
As you daily recreate me,
Help me always keep in mind
That I only have to do
What I can find.
And all I ever have to be
All I have to be
All I ever have to be
Is what youve made me.
To sum up, God’s grace has allowed us to still have this slow, beater iBook where we can check e-mail and the internet. It’s very, very slow, it can’t find our wireless connection (so I’m sitting smooshed up against our media cabinet), and it’s really not very reliable. But we’re not totally disconnected from the world. You can write e-mails and comment on the blog, and I will be able to see them.
And I will most definitely let you know when Skype and such are up and running again.
posted: 07 June 5